Want only good to happen to her

I think i made some furious mistakes by acting late on many accounts. And i know it would not be late for her though. if i woluld have said yes now and would have ditched later which probably would have happened, then i think things would have been worst for her. I dont know if i should fall to my friends or not? Heart says i should not as i must not enjoy a suppot sytem which she may not be having. I should keep my self equally suffered if i have made her suffer (which i really dont feel so). I dont want to tell her the exact reasons why i so called ditched her but i know one thing ok, that what i did will be good for her and very very good if she finds a real good guy. Somewhere down the line she is not regrettiung break up with me, but she is regretting why she said no to 2-3 proposals which were in front of her and were extremely good as she says. But mind you, we never met till those proposals were there. (Dont know was my name used to avoid marriage at that age of 21/22)? I think she is afraid thatshe may not get that type of proposals now! i think she would definitely get as my mom prays for her and when my mom prays it is sure that it would be fulfilled. i wanted to say SORRY in front of her, but could not. Didnt have the guts to say so or say did not want to see a single tear in her eyes. She has been a very sweet friend. I think i confused friendship with relationship and thats were the problem started......................

I ditched her, i surely did. I have been a sex freak. I have never been able to understand life's reality. I have never been able to understand what People talk and what they mean. But tell you what some of my fundas have been very clear as to how to deal with my relatives. May be that is what i have seen right from the start. I have been a protected child, some way because i am youngest of the 3. My mom loves me a lot , but myself has been really rude to her. I now think i have not been able to respect my parents to the extent i should be. They have done a lot. They have made all theri children stand personally and professionally. Peple envy us because of the way we have been brought up and what we are today. I dont know whether i would be able to face many of my female friends. I dont think so, when they will come to know that i cheated upon a girl. I dont know if i cheated or i have done good to her. But what i think is i have not seen life when i was with her. i remain immature, and now when dust i finally getting settled in the form of so called break up i think i have grown mature. I have been immature partially because many of my friends have been immature till the time they joined the Big four audit firms. They really got matured. but myself, again protected in the sense that i got a break in the company where my cousin is the CFO. However i surely know and by this i dont mean to be egoistic that i am better off as compared to them, not economically but learning i have got. Things lookvery dim. I dont know where the helkl my life is going. I dont know if i would be able to live wihout her????

Is man a sex freak only?

She blamed me that i was a sex freak thats why i kept this relationship for 6 odd years. It may amuse but the fact is i never met her for 3 years. And in rest 3 years i.e. 1096 days we must have not met more than 50 times. She said i was never able to take out time. I dont know, may be she is correct. I want to reach to the top positions as i feel i am already late. may be she is correct also that i was a sex freak only as we almost kissed for 30 times and some other things apart from it which i would not like to mention, but not to that extent that i should be sorry for now. I think even she wanted it. She never said it. May be in general girls don't say this. i really dont understand if she never wanted it she would have said it. Why to blame her, there were many things which i did not want still had to do. I was always like "she should not feel" attitude, but at this junction, i feel that was excess of my mind thinking of not hurting her, I should have been straight forward as well. I never learnt how to say NO. I never said no thats the main problem. I dont know if i am over reacting to this situation? Would i be able to keep blogging in future?

Am i right or wrong?

Its really a moment when all my philosiphies are taking a beating. Also its tough to explain to her what all i have been through. At the same time, I can not show her that i am so weak, that may make her weak as well. But as far as i know her she is someone who would want me to cry if she is crying. Its all a result of extreme posessiveness from her side. Don't know if girl like that would have been good for me? or carefree girl would be good for me, who may end up not caring for me at all? Have not been with lot of girls, may be thats y i dont know how girls are? When i see my cousin who is CFO as well and see him suffering at the hand of a woman, it surely makes me believe what he is used to say "Three things in life that comes by luck: Studies, career, partner" I dont know why people like me or for the fact her as well think alot. I have seen people who dont care at all, and have seen them leading beautiful life. Things may get worse if i keep on thinking. One should live life at his/her own terms. As i was used to say "let the world be f**ked i dont care", though i said that just for the sake of saying. Human is a complex breed. It is easy to say it would have been better if i would have been this or that animal. However i think they are also similar. I would advice god not to put hearts in humans. Just mind should be there. But then this world may not be the place where you would love to be........

Confused mind creates problems only

I never thought i would do wrong intentionally/unintentionally. I have been living lovely life till i got into a strange relationship..Relationship that was embarked with only emotions..Dont know if ever i was in love..dont know if that could even termed to be love..Trying to find out the reason of entering into such relationship..was that just the luct for having a relationship..or did i confuse friendhip with relationship..confusinf relations vleed heart at the end..or when u dont want to do bad be sure because you sometimes do bad unknowingly..Then people will make you count..they surely will..tough day of my life when i can't face myself not because my decision may be wrong but because its late decision..dont know what god wants..Saying NO is really tough..Have never said no to anyone ever for any work..dont know why..may be my perception taht this decision will prove to be right for her lifetime go correct..Not may be, i think it would if she gets a good husband the it surely will..you never know whether there is Mental compatibility between the two or not..she never walked with me..still i dont know if i did right or wrong..Confusion increased because of her also..she wanted at any cost..dont know the reasons..not able to make it why her parents also created scene after scene..It would be wrong to blame them though, afterall they are the PARENTS..i am 24 and dont know if i was right or wrong..if you are able to understand what i wrote i am sure you must have experienced it in some or the other manner..